"Reached our natural conclusion, outlived the illusion..."

2007 has been a year of great change for me. I expected it to be, though I didn't expect just how much would change.
I have changed my job after 12 years at the same, safe, comfortable place. I finally started doing my new job at the start of September. I now work in a children's home. I absolutely love it even though it entails some horrendously long hours & the occasional bout of extreme mentalness in the form of the kids' behaviour. And I'm very proud to say that I've taken to the role really well, really quickly. My employers have been heaping loads of praise on me for how well I've been doing.
So in a nutshell, the new job is all good! Which is nice.

My father died back in May. A change I wasn't expecting. I miss him terribly & when I've been home the sight of his empty chair makes me so very sad.

I've all but lost two of my closest friends. I haven't seen Jack & Jill for ages & our lines of communication have withered to a point close to non-existent. It's very sad but I'm slowly starting to come to terms with it.

Then of course there is another change that I didn't anticipate; I have stopped being a blogger.
This is my final post.
I've simply lost that blogging feeling. It doesn't fit into my life anymore.

But it so did.
I want to take this opportunity to tell you wonderful people who have been following the twists & turns of my life that I wouldn't have got here without you. When I first started blogging I was lonely & I was fed up of spending endless hours on my own in my flat wondering what to do.
The blog gave me a purpose, then it gave me an audience & then, most unexpectedly, it gave me a group of wonderful friends to cherish. I absolutely whole-heartedly adored my blog & the wonderful world of blogging. I used to come straight in from work & switch my computer on before doing anything else just to see if I had any new comments.
Oh, I always loved those comments. They were my drug of choice for a while back there! Then I'd do the rounds of all the blogs I loved to read & all the lives I used to immerse myself in.

Now I have come to a point where I still care deeply for the many people out there but I have fallen out of love with the process of it. Notably, since I got over my stupid obsession with the artist formerly known as dream girl, I haven't really had that much to say. Nothing to bleat on about, no great need for reassurance & since falling in love with my very lovely girlfriend (nearly 2 and a half years now!) I've found I don't need to reach out to be loved. However, it was when my blog started having a detrimental effect on my real life, due to people reading it who shouldn't have been, that I found my heart wasn't in it anymore.

I will never forget my days in Blogland, never. I shall always remember how I felt I had friends nearby when I was taking my first scary & lonely steps through Lyon. I shall always appreciate the kindness of those same friends who took the time to listen to my music when I launched "Confessions of an idiot" on to an unsuspecting world. More than anything though I will never, ever forget that those truly magnificient people were always there for me when I needed them. I could try to thank those people adequately but I would fail.

Finally, I'd like to single out a few individuals for special mentions. Before I do though, I'd like to point out that all the people who have come and gone through World Of Flash, Flashpoint & this final incarnation have really meant a lot to me & if I don't mention you individually it doesn't mean that you didn't make a lasting impression on me. I simply don't have the time to mention everybody.

I'd like to start with the man who made it all possible, my dear old friend The Duke of Jokes. One of the most glorious things about my blog has been the constant presence of my old school chum. Which is really fitting when you consider that it was he who suggested blogging to me.

How could ever forget those early days with C (you know who you are)? The phone calls, the shared dreams & discussions of what we'd do when we finally met up (which sadly never came to pass) & my one & only experience of cyber-sex! You were a shining beacon in a time of much darkness. I shall never forget you.

Then, there's Charby. The cheeky chappess from sarf London was the first blogger I ever met in the flesh. And we had a right old laugh. I hope she remembers our booze-ups as fondly as I do.

I couldn't do this without a big shout out to the Tall People of Nottingham. It is with great shame & sadness that I missed Lord Bargain's recent wedding. I'm sorry mate for not letting you know I wasn't coming, I was going through a period of no internet at home but that's no excuse. Sorry.
I really, really enjoyed our trip up to Bolton to appear in Coldplay's "Fix You" video. Just as I did seeing the Bluetones in Nottingham.
Individually, I'd like to thank Swiss Toni for consistently making me feel very good about myself with his wonderful comments. The man has a gift for saying exactly the right thing to me at the right time. A thoroughly wonderful chap.
And as for Lordy B, well he's quite simply the nicest man I have ever met. A true gentleman & scholar. I'll always remember when I went to his house for the first time being made to feel extremely comfortable & talking with the ease of two old friends. I also want to say a special big thankyou to Bargs for being the only Blogger who ever came to Crapsville (that includes you DOJ!). Cheers mate.

I don't know where to start with the blissfully wonderful Spins! I really don't. What a truly exceptional example of a fantastic and fascinating woman. We had an extremely smashing time when she came over to London. A time I know neither of us will ever forget. I could say a lot more but I know I don't need to. Eh, Spins?

And then of course, there is Hyde. I've left her till last because I feel like I owe her a massive debt of gratitude that I don't feel I'll ever be able to repay. This beautiful spirited girl invited me into her home for a week & she made me feel at home. She made me feel so welcome! More than that though, she let me into her life for a few days. A life that had perhaps fascinated me more than any of the others I'd read about. A whirlwind tale of highs & lows, debauchery & a fractured romance all set in the bright lights of New York City. And I got to live that life with her for a few short days. I even met the infamous Narc (and the lovely Hammer, of course).
I think I'd have had a great time in NYC anyway, but with Hyde as my guide I had a time so memorable & beautiful that it will live with me forever. Thank you honey.

Like I said that's not everybody, there's the fella with the great musical taste that I never quite got to meet, the raunchy little foxtress who sent me the e-mails to keep my pecker up while I was in Lyon & the lady I was just getting to know & who had become my latest blog crush. To hint at but a few.

So that's it.
I won't be disappearing completely from the internet, I will be opening a new MySpace page to promote my musical endeavours. Speaking of which, the album is still nearly finished. I scrapped some of it and started again. I just need to finish the vocals, which is proving troublesome. I shall overcome! Another change to add to those I've already mentioned; I shall now be releasing all my music under the name; Nik Aspey. It's all my work, so I figured I should proudly stick my name to it instead of hiding behind a pseudonym.

And I'm sure I'll drop by your blogs from time to time to say hello & to see how you're getting on.
And there's always e-mail (which I will reply to when I get my access sorted!).

Once again, thank you all for sharing this last 3 or 4 years with me.
It's been emotional.
Farewell...(sob)...

"In an ocean of noise, I first heard your voice"

Thank you Bazz.
Thank you Cody.


Now then, here I am facing another day of full time paid employment with out actually having to go anywhere or do anything.
I'm getting really fed up with it all now. I'm really suffering from a lack of interaction with the outside world.
It's driving me cuckoo.

It's also leaves me with nothing to say about the goings on in my life because, quite frankly, there are none.

So today it's all about what has been helping me through these empty days.
Firstly; Tunes.
I am currently in the process of acquiring my 14th & 15th albums of the year(Interpol's "Our love to admire" & "Twilight of the innocents" by Ash).
The other 13?
I'll file them under four categories, the first being;
Oh what have you gone & done that for you bloody great Norberts?

In truth I have only been disappointed by one album so far this year. It was something of a shock to find that Nine Inch Nails had a new album out only 2 years after the rather ace "With Teeth".
Now it has become glaringly apparent why there is usually 5 years or so between albums. "Year Zero" is simply not very good. "Capitol G" & "The beginning of the end" are pretty damn fine but the rest of it is mostly plop. What a shame.

Like McDonald's in that it's OK once in a while but you wouldn't want it every day

The Good, the Bad & the Queen- The Good, The Bad & The Queen
Yours Truly, Angry Mob - Kaiser Chiefs
Only the names have been changed - Kelly Jones
Cassadaga - Bright Eyes
The Boy with No Name - Travis*
An End has a Start - Editors**

*Much better than could have been hoped for
**This may possibly get upgraded upon further listenage, but I reckon it's unlikely.

Blimey, that's a bloody good album that will enrich my life to a small extent

Because of the times - Kings of Leon
Now, I've never been much of a fan of Kings of Leon, primarily because of Caleb Followill's vocal yelpings, but I've had to listen to them a lot as they are Lucy's favourite band. Imagine my surprise to find this well crafted collection of fine songs with yelpy boy tyring his hand at actually singing. It's really proper good & I thoroughly enjoyed seeing them live in Blackpool back in April.

Icky Thump - White Stripes
Hurrah, having lost it on last album "Get behind me Satan", it appears that Jack 'n' Meg have found their mojo again. Thus making the world a better place.

Send away the Tigers - Manic Street Preachers
It seems the mojo rediscovery isn't limited just to Detroit's finest. The Manics, best album since "Everything must go"? Maybe (though I always liked "Know your enemy" myself).

Favourite Worst Nightmare - Arctic Monkeys
Funny one this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. It's bloody brilliant in fact. It just hasn't seemed to grab me by the throat & force itself upon me with the same relish as "Whatever...". Having said that, it's like saying the second time I made love to Kylie Minogue wasn't quite as much of a thrill as the first. (Which it wasn't, the sixth time however...)


How the chuff did I manage to live any kind of fulfilling life before I had this album?

Our Earthly Pleasures - Maximo Park
Bloody, bloody ace record!
Bloody, bloody ace band!
Bloody, bloody ace songs!
And "Our velocity" is far & away the best single released so far this year. That's true because I say so. So there.








Neon Bible - Arcade Fire

I have succumbed. I have been aware of Arcade Fire & all the surrounding hype for a while. I downloaded "Wake up" from their last album but was never really taken with it, so I pursued them no further. Then I saw the five star review in Q for "Neon Bible", they even had them on the cover proclaiming "You have to hear this album!"
I don't like being told what to do though, so I continued to abstain. Then about a month ago I reached a point where there were no new albums to feed me, so I relented.
What a silly boy I have been!
"Neon Bible" is simply wonderful. It's grand without being overblown, emotional without being sickly & it pulls off the trick of being dark & life-affirmingly light at the same time. A work of genius? I think it may be. And none of my days are complete now without the obligatory daily listen to the joyous wonderment that is "No cars go"
It bloody gives me goosebumps, it does.
Q were absolutely spot on; you have to hear this album.

Then there's what I've been watching, but that's a post for another day.


PS. I seem to be having trouble in opening some blogs. 4 in fact, so those 4 lovely ladies please don't think I'm snubbing you. As if!

"Brian, top marks..."

Hello there.

Firstly, yet another apology for yet another lengthy absence from Blogland.
Sorry.
This time it has been more to do with technical issues than anything else.
I'm no longer in hiding.

Almost half way through and 2007 is proving to be a year of many changes & unexpected events. Bear with me while I try to bring you up to date.

As you may know; Leeds United were relegated to the third tier of English football for the first time in their illustrious history. Well, every cloud & all that...

Jack phoned me soon after it happened to take the piss. I have never been so happy to be on the end of some ribbing. This first step was uncomfortable & edgy but it was a first step. And Jack took it. Good news, I'm sure you'll agree. An invite to a barbecue at their place was then forthcoming.

Then at the start of May I began my new job. Well, sort of.
I did a week and a half in a classroom with 13 other new starters. I very much enjoyed it, it was really nice to meet some new people & to get a feel for the work that lay ahead. During all that time though a cloud was hanging over me in the form of my Father being ill in hospital.

I went up to visit him during the first weekend of May. He wasn't doing well. Full of tubes & wires he was quite an unsettling sight. The rest of my family & I sat and chatted with him for a while until he needed to be left to rest. I kissed him on the head & joked with him that at least I'd be able to laugh at him when Leeds beat Huddersfield next season.

My sister kept me informed on his condition throughout the following week & I had arranged to go up to Wakefield again on Sunday. I had set my alarm for 8 am, planning to get up there by mid-morning. I awoke abruptly at 5.45 am to the sound of my phone ringing. It was my sister, the hospital staff had called her to suggest they came in quickly. My Dad was leaving us.
I was in the car within 5 minutes & proceeded to drive up the M1 at a steady speed of 110mph, completing the 120 mile trip in just over an hour. It wasn't fast enough. My Dad died whilst I was making my journey.
I arrived at the hospital & joined the rest of my heartbroken family. Then I went to see Dad. It was the first time I had ever been in the presence of death. I said my private goodbyes to him & wept.
Now I'm not going to share my grief with you all on here. I know that some readers have already been through this & they will know how I feel. I am still dealing with the loss but life, cliched as it may be, still goes on.
The one thing I will say is this. Though I was adopted & didn't share his blood or his DNA, he was 100% my Dad. I loved him totally & will always be humbled & grateful that he & mum rescued me as a baby & gave me a loving upbringing. I feel privileged that out of all the people out there that could have adopted me, they did.

Brian "Flash"
1936 - 2007











I stayed up in Yorkshire for the week. Lucy took the train up to join me the next day, which I really appreciated.
I managed to e-mail my friends the news from my sister's. I was overwhelmed to hear that Jack & Jill very much wanted to attend the funeral. Back in 93 Jack had lived with us at the family home for several months & very much liked my Dad. This warmed my heart more than I can express, despite the seismic shocks that had ruptured our 20 year friendship, Jack was happy to put it all to one side to pay his respects to my Father. I think that speaks volumes about the man.

The funeral took place on Thursday morning. Obviously it was very emotional. Afterwards in the crematorium's car park, I embraced my girlfriend, my sister, my cousin & of course my Mum. I shook hands with all & sundry. Then I made my way to Jack & Jill, who opened their arms to me & we shared a three way hug and I bawled my eyes out. (Since then I have been over to theirs once, which was cool but I overdid the booze & pretty much passed out. Things are moving forward though & I'm very optimistic that we may be able the heal the rift after all.)

At the "wake" afterwards, we drank & caught up a bit. It was very, very nice.
It was also nice to see some distant family members that I'd not seen in years. One of them, my Dad's cousin, had brought a collection of old family photos with her. Some of them were wonderful, photos of my Dad as a very young boy which I'd never seen before. Some of me as a small boy which showed the frightening similarities between me & my own son. It's like looking at him, but wearing dodgy 70's clothes! Then there was one of my 3 or 4 year old self with my Dad beaming & holding aloft a pint of bitter. Seeing it brought on another wave of tears, but they were happy tears. Dad's cousin has since made copies of the snaps & sent them to me, for which I can't thank her enough.

The next day we came home & carried on with the business of life.
I expect you'd like to know what it's like being a Residential Childcare worker.
Me too.

As is, quite rightly, the law in this country, one has to get clearance from the Criminal Records Bureau before working with children.
Despite being offered the job way back in March, I still haven't been cleared! I was told ages ago that there was a problem due to there being somebody out there with a very similar identity to myself. I have since sent photos of myself to them & I've even been into the police station to have my fingerprints taken. Yet, still no clearance. I am getting paid, which is all well & good, but I want to go out to work. Despite having many distractions here at home. I want a reason for getting up in the morning & I crave some order in my life. I'm most certainly not the most industrious person you'll ever meet but, bugger me, I WANT TO WORK!
I also want to get stuck in to this new & exciting career path. It's very, very frustrating & it's leading me to become something of a hermit in these walls. Thank crikey I've got the Internet back!

All that remains for now is to update you on the progress of "Backlash". Well, it really is very nearly finished. I foresee it being ready for public consumption in a couple of weeks.
I have done the vocals on a couple of tracks. One of which I have uploaded to Soundclick for your delectation. It's a fairly old song called "The clown prince of misery", which dates bate to my StrangeWorld days (Hence the co-writing credit).
I would be very pleased & honoured if you would take 5 minutes of your time to give it a listen. I'd also like some feedback on how the vocals sound. Not so much how well (or not!) I've sung but more whether it sounds right in the mix. I still have some limitations in terms of recording the vocals so I'd just like some pointers to see if I've successfully overcome them before I carry on with the rest of the vocals. The link is thus:
http://www.soundclick.com/gnucnu
Thanks in advance.

Well, that's me for now. I do, however, solemnly declare my intention to re-integrate myself back into Blogland, with regular updates, waffle & other such nonsense. I'll also be doing the rounds.
I'm back for good this time.
Promise.

" I think about the three of us..."

I have been hiding.

There have been no technical difficulties with my internet connection.
There has not been a lack of time in which I could have posted.
And there have been no pixies.
I have been hiding.

When my forthcoming album finally sees the light of day it will almost definitely contain a song called "Ostrich". In a silly, anal way I'm very pleased with the title, which does not feature in the lyrcs but is wholly representative of the song's ethos.
I do not face things in my life, I never really have unless there is absolutely no alternative course of action. I have been painfully aware of this for many a year , yet I find myself incapable of preventing the repitition of the same patterns of behaviour over & over again.
I have been hiding.
And it's been very, very easy to hide.
With no work to punctuate my days & no timetable to conform to, it has been remarkably simple to distract myself from the things I really should be facing.
I have immersed myself in the warm, safe glow of Lucy's company, we have allowed ourselves to be consumed by racing cars against strangers from around the world on x-box live. It is an enormous amount of fun, extremeley addictive & awfully time consuming. It has been a wonderful shield against reality.
So have been the hours & hours of episodic TV that we have watched on DVD (or in the case of Lost, which is still utterly marvellous, on the computer).
And so was the 3 day trip with Lucy & my beloved son, Travis, to Somerset to see my friend Gary ( you should see him dance, it's very amusing) & his family.
This trip was very welcome in many ways. I will hopefully posess the stamina to explain more in due course.
I also spent a truly lovely day hiding with Lucy in Blackpool, where we spent a smile-filled afternoon on the rides at the pleasure beach. In the evening I surprised Lucy with ticket's to see Kings ofLeon (her favourite band) at the Empress ballroom in the seaside town. It was my way of saying thankyou to Lucy for being unwaveringly at my side during recents events. Events which I know she finds uncomfortable. Despite her feelings she has been extremley loving, supportive & non-judgemental.

So, as I said it has been easy to hide.

It's currently 3 in the morning. I found myself lying awake after Lucy had drifted off into slumber. My thoughts turned to Jack. I found myself mulling over things, imagining how a potential reconciliation might go, rehearsing what I'd say in defence of the many opnions he would be likely to express & trying to formulate a plan to bring him back into his long held position of (Sons & fathers aside) the most important man there has ever been in my life.
As I lay, silently pondering, I could feel a genuine tightening of my chest. I sensation I have felt before; Fear.
Cold, hard fear.
Some time ago, I felt this fear regularly. I felt it so deeply & so often that I actually went to the Doctor (another figure I am rather prone to hiding from) . The overall circumstaces at the time were quite different, however one thing the Doctor told me at the time is coming to mind.
It's my "flight or fight" reflex.
Last time I opted for flight.

It's been almost a month now since the timebomb went off.

I telephoned Jack the other day. We spoke briefly. I asked him if he wanted to talk about things or if he wanted to leave things as they are. He chose the latter.
He rang back an hour or so later.
"What exactly is it you think we have to talk about?" he asked.
I told him that I hoped we could find a way to fix things & that I didn't like the idea of my life without him in it.
As he is more than justified to do so, he dismissed the idea & maintained that he had no intention of fixing things.
I want to respect his wishes & to leave him well alone. Give him time & hope that he may come round.

I have been hiding.
I am hiding from the fear.
What if he has no desire to "come round"?
What if he resolutley decides that he wants nothing further to do with the so called friend who commited the despicable act of betrayal against him?
What if he beats me to a pulp?
What if he tells me to fuck off & to leave him alone forever?
I am so very scared.
I feel a knawing emptiness within me already. A numbness that eats away quietly, save for those moments of cruel amplification prompted by Dave Gahan's voice innocently wafting out of my speakers with the words "I'm taking a ride with my best friend" instantly taking me back to the thousands of times we have sat beside each other on one of our many adventures, or by instinctivley looking for Nottingham Forest's results in the newspaper.
I don't know what to do.
I want desperately to meet him, pehaps just go for a walk or sit in a pub & say all things things I need to say to him. Essentially I want to beg him not to leave me.
Then I worry about what sort of relationship we would have if he did relent.
I don't want him to always have one eye on me, I don't want him to analyse every lyric to every song I've ever written or will write, I don't want him to explore his memory of past events to see if there was some sign he should have seen.
I want the impossible, I want him to forgive me.

Then there is Jill. I am very keenly feeling the threat of losing Jack from my future. With Jill it's even more complicated. The old feeling's I used to forlornly carry about with me have gone. It's history. However, that does not diminish the depth of feeling I have for her as a true friend. I am pained as much by the prospect of her absence from my life. Yet I have to confess, that my thoughts of her are still tainted by anger. In reality, I know that she felt she very much needed to take the course of action that she chose. I cannot condemn her for it. I am a very selfish individual though & I need to deflect some of the blame from myself. I also feel partially justified in doing so as the whole root cause of the present situation involved the choices of two people, not one. I really don't think that Jill is hidng from her part in all of this. In fact I know how fundamentally difficult I have made life for her at times, during the time of my life when I sought her love above all else. It was wrong of me & another instance of my blinkered selfishness. She had no doubt reached her flight or fight reflex.
Yet still, amongst all my rational thoughts there is a very loud dissenting voice which repeatedly asks "Why did she have to tell him? Everything was done & dusted. It had gone, no harm had come to Jack & it seemed as though both Jill & I had worked our way through our own inner demons about it all". The voice may well be incorrect but it shouts the loudest. It demands to be heard. And I hear it loud & clear. At my most immature & petulant I conclude that she has lost one friend though this, where I have lost two.

Jill had obviously gotten tired of hiding.
As have I.

The bitterness wells up in me & has been trying to come out in the form of song. A song that I don't think I should write & record, but I so want to. I want it to become the final track on the album. I want it to be "History is always written by the victors". I want it to empower me by giving me a vessel for expressing my darker feelings about the situation & I want it to scathe her.
But I don't want to hurt her at all. I am constantly reminding myself that she is hurting just as much as I am & that Jack is hurting the most of all & is an unwitting victim.
So for now it remains unwritten, snatches of lyric floating around my head amonsgt all the turmoil.

In one of life's little ironies my album has come sharply into focus during this period. The title track, "Backlash" has been musically completed. An cautionary note to self, it was written some 22 years ago as a warning not to carry on being a petty thief.

"Sooner or later your past will catch up with you
Sooner or later you'll have to suffer the backlash"

As you can imagine, it has taken on a whole new lease of life.

Well I feel better now than I did when I got out of bed with that tight chest an hour or so ago.
It's good for me to examine these feelings & be honest with them.

Has anything changed?
I doubt it.

You haven't seen me, I'm hiding.

"...and then I'll tell you some more about ME!"

Hello there.
My name is Flash & this is my new blog. Welcome.

BLOG:
My old blog literally started out as a pen & paper diary. It was something I'd always wanted to do but, true to form, never gotten around to doing. So on New years day, 2004 I wrote the first lines. By the summer of that year it was in full swing. I really enjoyed writing it & wished I could share it as I thought it was good, humourous, interesting reading matter. This was impossible though due to the sensitive nature of some of it's contents. Then my dear old friend, Duke, suggested I write a blog. So I did.
And I bloody loved it. I found myself giddy at the freedom of expression & even more so as slowly I built up a small but devoted readership. I also deeply enjoyed reading the blogs of others.
As 3 years ebbed by my blog changed. As a fellow blogger once noted (and I still love that comment) I am a "natural born performer". So my blog ceased to really be a diary, you could say it turned from a blank page into a spotlit stage. And crikey do I love that spotlight.
So part of the reasoning behind this new blog is to go back to basics. To record the ins & outs, the ups & downs of my day to day life. I can't promise that I'll never again indulge in a bit of good old interactive action but essentially these pages are going to remain a diary of sorts.
Another reason for the change is that a lot has changed for me recently & following my enforced absence from blogland this seemed like an ideal time. I will be outlining some of those changes in due course.
One of those changes is my relationship with one of my old blog's central characters (which in turn has led to me taking the decision to scrap the old blog names. I know! I loved them too but they just had to go. They will be replaced by plain old normal names. Still not their owners actual monikers but still just bog standard names). Jill, as she will now be known, is no longer the girl of my dreams. This has been the case for some time now, I wrote a song called "Over you" last September while I was in the Czech Republic. She is still a very close friend & I dearly love her in that capacity but that's where it ends. I am very happy about this, as "Over you" observes "the love shared, I turned it into a cross to bear". I have freed myself of those self bound chains & it's great. Readers of my old blog will be interested to know that it was March 3rd before I'd noticed that March 1st had passed unnoticed. That, my friends, is progress.
However there is news on that front, stay tuned.

LOVE:
I bloody adore my very wonderful girlfriend. Lucy is everything to me & I wouldn't swap her for Kylie. It took me a while to reach that point; partly because I was still infatuated with Jill, partly because I started the relationship with the handbrake on so as to avoid the pitfalls I had previously experienced by rushing in to something & partly because I had been enjoying being a bit of a Casanova (albeit a slightly crap one) and wasn't keen to relinquish that thrillseeking side of me or the reputation that came with it. As Lucy happily accepts, I am a flirt & could easily flirt for England were it an Olympic event. I will continue to be a flirt but I know where the line is & I have no desire to ever cross that line again. I love Lucy & I am resolutely never going to hurt her in that way. And for the first time in a real world relationship, I know that she loves & understands me implicitly for who I am, warts and all. Not that I have any warts, mind.
Lucy has also had a pivotal effect on blogging matters. We have never yet had a cross word with each other in nearly two years but the closest we have come was after she read some of my old blog against my wishes. She was upset about the whole Jill thing & also saddened by the way I had portrayed her. Again this was my shameful way of keeping up my Flashputin reputation, I didn't want any female readers not to fall for me so like a member of a boyband instructed by his manager; I kinda kept her hushed up. We talked about it all & sorted out what we needed to. The saddest thing about it all is that as a result of what she's previously read Lucy no longer feels comfortable around Jill & doesn't join me when I go over to visit her & Jack. That troubles me but I have to accept it.
Lucy's mere physical presence has also had a very real impact on my blogging. The days where I would blog every day are long gone. I no longer have the time or the inclination for it. Sometimes I'd rather just hang with Lucy rather than sit here typing with my back to her. Before Lucy came along I would spend most evenings alone in my flat. Alone but seldom lonely because of blogland & some of the lovely people who inhabit it. To all of those people & you know who you all are, I say thank you because you were crucial to me in that time of my life. You were my rocks & I love you all so much. In truth, the primary reason why I haven't given up blogging altogether is because I can't bear the idea of my life without those people in it. The last 3 months have been painful in that respect & I've genuinely missed my dear, dear pixelated pals.

WORK:
I haven't been to work for the past month. There is a very, very good reason for this; I don't work there anymore.
I used to be a lab technician but now I am not.
The company, who I can safely name now as MetoKote, had basically cocked up. Their operations in Sweden & France (Yes, the plant in Lyon where I spent the winter of 2005/6) were abject failures & they lost those plants. This combined with a dramatic slump in the workload at my plant meant they had to take drastic action. In mid February rumours began circulating that there would be redundancies. Then right at the end of February, myself & the rest of my department were given letters warning us that our jobs were "at risk". Best of all though, the thing that I'd been wishing for a long old time actually came to pass; they would be interested to hear from anyone who would consider voluntary redundancy. I practically bit their corporate hands off! Then on March 6th, following several harrowing days of not knowing whether they would let someone with my experience, knowledge & skills go, I was called to a meeting half an hour before the end of my shift with my departmental bosses, the HR manager & the plant manager.
"Are you still interested in taking voluntary redundancy, Flash?"
"Very much so" said I.
And that was that. I was told that I would finish there & then.
Despite it being very much what I wanted, it still came as something of a shock. I asked if it would be ok for me to come in on the Friday of that week to say my goodbyes to everyone, to which they agreed.
So after 12 years in the place, I came in for one last time & went round all my friends & colleagues to say my very fond farewells to them all. It was emotional.
For some time I have had a love/hate relationship with my work. I loved the familiarity of it all, how the lab was as comfortable as a second home, how I'd know I'd be seeing my friends every day, how I basked in the glow of being a genuinely popular & well liked part of the furniture, how the company gave me the opportunities to travel to the States, Canada, France, Czech Republic & Belgium, how I'd get a nice little financial bonus every 3 months, how they allowed me to flourish (temporarily) in my role as Trainer, how I could (if I so desired) get away with doing very little & how I felt safe & secure there.
I hated the mundane nature of the work I had to carry out day after day, I hated getting up for a 6am start almost every bloody day of my life, I hated just being a number, an insignificant little cog in an enormous machine whose sole purpose was to make some wealthy Americans even more wealthy, I hated many of the decisions of the management who were seemingly hell bent on removing any traces of good morale in it's workforce, I hated how I was rotting away in the job, I hated how I could (if I so desired) get away with doing very little, I hated the way that arselickers would get ahead at the expense of others & I hated that I became a "voice of the people" character who would often have to tackle management over issues because nobody else could or would & my moral compass wouldn't let me ignore them (I actually became the trade union representative two weeks before I left. The shortest lived shop steward ever?) & I hated one or two people there who I will be blissfully happy never to see again.
I had a drink with some of my workfriends on the Saturday of that week, which was nice.
I'm actually going out with a load of them tonight, turns out my departure was just the beginning & several others have since followed me out of the door. Notably, Lucy left a week after I did because of her own issues with the place. And also my fellow lab rats Gary (who had a lofty opinion of himself sometimes) & Tom (who likes crisps with a passion). Sadly, not all the redundancies were voluntary & some people lost their jobs. My close friend Sally (A friend with breasts and all the rest...) was laid off last week, bless her.
So another reason for this new blog is to chart my journey into the unknown world of a new job.
What's that? I've got to find one first, you say?
Sorted already!
The Friday after my departure I had my first interview to attend. As is often the case here in Flash's life, things were not simple. I had my interview at 10am in a nearby town named like a kitchen appliance. Trouble was though, I had nothing appropriate to wear. I possessed no suitably formal clothing at all & hadn't had the means to buy any until my redundancy money came through. The money was to hit my account on the same day. So a plan was hatched. I would get up good & early, do all my necessary preening, go to the cashpoint, drive to Northampton in time to be outside Debanhams at 9 on the dot when they opened, purchase a suit, shirt, tie & shoes & be out of there with enough time to drive the 20 minute journey to the interview. A fine plan to be sure, but with absolutely no margin for error at all. There was no error though & with the help of a top bloke in Debanhams I walked out of the store looking resplendent in my new whistle. Lucy swooned!
The interview was quite an odd affair. I was one of 13 people who were being assessed together. I must point out that I was far & away the smartest looking, honestly one guy came in jeans & trainers! Anyway we all did this exercise with an egg, designed to see how we functioned as part of a team. Then I had to write out a fictional incident report which came pretty naturally to me. Finally I had the actual interview, which was delightfully informal, I had to answer ten questions which I felt I did ok with. The final question was "If we had you & another candidate who was equally right for the position, why should we choose you?"
To which I answered "Because, I'm ace, me!" Seriously.
I did follow it up by elaborating that I see myself as a very positive & jovial character who naturally gets along with almost everybody & that I'd be a good person to have around.
And that was that. Of course, everybody then was asking me how it went. I told them that I felt I'd done really well, perhaps as well as I could possibly do, that I had really had given it my best but I figured that there would probably be someone with more experience in that field who would get the job.
The following Saturday the postman delivered the letter, without even opening it I felt really positive as it seemed to contain too much to be a "thanks but no thanks" letter.
I opened it & it was a offer of the job! So I accepted it.
You are now reading the words of a Residential Childcare Worker. That's right folks, I have a job in a children's home. I am naturally delighted. In the short term I will have to tighten my belt as it's a fair drop in pay, but it's exactly the sort of field I wanted to get into & the prospects are good. I haven't actually started the job yet, but I shall be doing my induction course soon. I should have a start date by early next week.
Honestly, I'm thrilled to bits! I'm also pinching myself at how easy it as all been. I thought I'd be furiously job-hunting for weeks & weeks. I was also prepared to do some temping in one of Crapsville's many shitty warehouse jobs to support myself while trying to find the right job.
So I have spent the past four weeks as a man of leisure. I have treated myself to a few consumer goodies with my money (lovely new TV, DVD recorder, a new improved Flashmobile & a long sought after barbed wire toilet seat) & I've sorted out some of my debt problems.
I have also, for the first time in 37 years, decorated my home. This also meant the sad but justified decision to box up all my grillions of CDs in the interest of making space in my living room. And honestly, you wouldn't believe the hassle I had getting back online. Literally weeks of frustrated suffering! I'm back now though, eh?

MUSIC:
I am a musician (of sorts). I am definitely a singer & I consider myself to be a bloody good songwriter. Two years ago I "released" my debut album. It was called "Confessions of an Idiot" & I was very happy with it at the time. In retrospect, sonically it's a bit lacking in places & vocally it was not so hot at all. I have taken the decision to go back to it & remix &/or re-record some or all of it. My second album has led me to this choice. My second album, "Backlash" is still unfinished & in all honestly it could be a while yet before it sees the light of day. However I am deliriously happy with what I've completed so far. Musically it sounds much more accomplished that "Confessions..." & when I road tested some of it on Jack & Jill they were blown away with what they heard.
At this point I'm going to pretend for a moment that it's all real & I'm going to be suggesting to my record company that the all important first single will be "Sophie's Shoes", a song & recording that I'm outrageously proud of.
So what I'm saying is thus; "Backlash" will be released when it's ready & not before. I'm more than happy to delay it in the interests of making it as good as I possibly can. Then when it's out, my next project will be the refurbishment of "Confessions..."

And finally...(Deep sigh)
JACK & JILL:
It's been a week now.
Last Friday morning morning at 8.59 my phone rang precisely one minute before my alarm was due to rouse me from my slumber.
The display showed it was Jack.
"Hello mate" I said upon answering
"It's not Jack it's Jill"
"Oh, Hiya. What's up?"
And then with two short words the timebomb that I've been sitting on for four long, often painful, years went off...
"Jack knows"

We had quite the discussion about it but on my part it all boiled down to one single question; WHY?
To be honest I'm still not clear as to what happened. I gather they had some sort of row, something slipped out that couldn't be taken back & Jill proceeded to seek absolution from Jack by confessing to her sins.

Jack did phone me himself an hour or so later, not knowing that Jill had warned me.
It was a very short conversation.
"Jill has told me"
"Told you what?"
"About you & her. I thought you were my friend"
"So what do you wanna do about it?"
"I don't want to talk to you, to be honest, & I don't know if I ever will again"
"Well, I have to accept that. You know where I am if you change your mind"
And he hung up.
I haven't heard from either of them since.

To be honest, I haven't really processed it all yet. I really don't want to be but I find myself full of anger towards Jill. It was dead, it was buried, it had gone. Certainly from my (or indeed Jack's) point of view I can see no good can possibly come from this. Obviously things are different for Jill & I don't know what I would've done in her place.
I am very worried about what will happen next. Despite my inexcusable conduct in my betrayal of him, I hope he comes round & that we can fix it. I love him, he has been my closest friend for the best part of twenty years. I miss him already.
I am very sad about it all.
I'm also very alarmed at the fact that, even now, the whole truth isn't coming out. Too much of a tangled web to unravel, I suppose.
Still, if you live by the sword...

Anyway, Welcome to my new blog.
I hope you'll be around to see where life's twists & turns take me next.
If if carries on like the past, then it will seldom be dull.