" I think about the three of us..."

I have been hiding.

There have been no technical difficulties with my internet connection.
There has not been a lack of time in which I could have posted.
And there have been no pixies.
I have been hiding.

When my forthcoming album finally sees the light of day it will almost definitely contain a song called "Ostrich". In a silly, anal way I'm very pleased with the title, which does not feature in the lyrcs but is wholly representative of the song's ethos.
I do not face things in my life, I never really have unless there is absolutely no alternative course of action. I have been painfully aware of this for many a year , yet I find myself incapable of preventing the repitition of the same patterns of behaviour over & over again.
I have been hiding.
And it's been very, very easy to hide.
With no work to punctuate my days & no timetable to conform to, it has been remarkably simple to distract myself from the things I really should be facing.
I have immersed myself in the warm, safe glow of Lucy's company, we have allowed ourselves to be consumed by racing cars against strangers from around the world on x-box live. It is an enormous amount of fun, extremeley addictive & awfully time consuming. It has been a wonderful shield against reality.
So have been the hours & hours of episodic TV that we have watched on DVD (or in the case of Lost, which is still utterly marvellous, on the computer).
And so was the 3 day trip with Lucy & my beloved son, Travis, to Somerset to see my friend Gary ( you should see him dance, it's very amusing) & his family.
This trip was very welcome in many ways. I will hopefully posess the stamina to explain more in due course.
I also spent a truly lovely day hiding with Lucy in Blackpool, where we spent a smile-filled afternoon on the rides at the pleasure beach. In the evening I surprised Lucy with ticket's to see Kings ofLeon (her favourite band) at the Empress ballroom in the seaside town. It was my way of saying thankyou to Lucy for being unwaveringly at my side during recents events. Events which I know she finds uncomfortable. Despite her feelings she has been extremley loving, supportive & non-judgemental.

So, as I said it has been easy to hide.

It's currently 3 in the morning. I found myself lying awake after Lucy had drifted off into slumber. My thoughts turned to Jack. I found myself mulling over things, imagining how a potential reconciliation might go, rehearsing what I'd say in defence of the many opnions he would be likely to express & trying to formulate a plan to bring him back into his long held position of (Sons & fathers aside) the most important man there has ever been in my life.
As I lay, silently pondering, I could feel a genuine tightening of my chest. I sensation I have felt before; Fear.
Cold, hard fear.
Some time ago, I felt this fear regularly. I felt it so deeply & so often that I actually went to the Doctor (another figure I am rather prone to hiding from) . The overall circumstaces at the time were quite different, however one thing the Doctor told me at the time is coming to mind.
It's my "flight or fight" reflex.
Last time I opted for flight.

It's been almost a month now since the timebomb went off.

I telephoned Jack the other day. We spoke briefly. I asked him if he wanted to talk about things or if he wanted to leave things as they are. He chose the latter.
He rang back an hour or so later.
"What exactly is it you think we have to talk about?" he asked.
I told him that I hoped we could find a way to fix things & that I didn't like the idea of my life without him in it.
As he is more than justified to do so, he dismissed the idea & maintained that he had no intention of fixing things.
I want to respect his wishes & to leave him well alone. Give him time & hope that he may come round.

I have been hiding.
I am hiding from the fear.
What if he has no desire to "come round"?
What if he resolutley decides that he wants nothing further to do with the so called friend who commited the despicable act of betrayal against him?
What if he beats me to a pulp?
What if he tells me to fuck off & to leave him alone forever?
I am so very scared.
I feel a knawing emptiness within me already. A numbness that eats away quietly, save for those moments of cruel amplification prompted by Dave Gahan's voice innocently wafting out of my speakers with the words "I'm taking a ride with my best friend" instantly taking me back to the thousands of times we have sat beside each other on one of our many adventures, or by instinctivley looking for Nottingham Forest's results in the newspaper.
I don't know what to do.
I want desperately to meet him, pehaps just go for a walk or sit in a pub & say all things things I need to say to him. Essentially I want to beg him not to leave me.
Then I worry about what sort of relationship we would have if he did relent.
I don't want him to always have one eye on me, I don't want him to analyse every lyric to every song I've ever written or will write, I don't want him to explore his memory of past events to see if there was some sign he should have seen.
I want the impossible, I want him to forgive me.

Then there is Jill. I am very keenly feeling the threat of losing Jack from my future. With Jill it's even more complicated. The old feeling's I used to forlornly carry about with me have gone. It's history. However, that does not diminish the depth of feeling I have for her as a true friend. I am pained as much by the prospect of her absence from my life. Yet I have to confess, that my thoughts of her are still tainted by anger. In reality, I know that she felt she very much needed to take the course of action that she chose. I cannot condemn her for it. I am a very selfish individual though & I need to deflect some of the blame from myself. I also feel partially justified in doing so as the whole root cause of the present situation involved the choices of two people, not one. I really don't think that Jill is hidng from her part in all of this. In fact I know how fundamentally difficult I have made life for her at times, during the time of my life when I sought her love above all else. It was wrong of me & another instance of my blinkered selfishness. She had no doubt reached her flight or fight reflex.
Yet still, amongst all my rational thoughts there is a very loud dissenting voice which repeatedly asks "Why did she have to tell him? Everything was done & dusted. It had gone, no harm had come to Jack & it seemed as though both Jill & I had worked our way through our own inner demons about it all". The voice may well be incorrect but it shouts the loudest. It demands to be heard. And I hear it loud & clear. At my most immature & petulant I conclude that she has lost one friend though this, where I have lost two.

Jill had obviously gotten tired of hiding.
As have I.

The bitterness wells up in me & has been trying to come out in the form of song. A song that I don't think I should write & record, but I so want to. I want it to become the final track on the album. I want it to be "History is always written by the victors". I want it to empower me by giving me a vessel for expressing my darker feelings about the situation & I want it to scathe her.
But I don't want to hurt her at all. I am constantly reminding myself that she is hurting just as much as I am & that Jack is hurting the most of all & is an unwitting victim.
So for now it remains unwritten, snatches of lyric floating around my head amonsgt all the turmoil.

In one of life's little ironies my album has come sharply into focus during this period. The title track, "Backlash" has been musically completed. An cautionary note to self, it was written some 22 years ago as a warning not to carry on being a petty thief.

"Sooner or later your past will catch up with you
Sooner or later you'll have to suffer the backlash"

As you can imagine, it has taken on a whole new lease of life.

Well I feel better now than I did when I got out of bed with that tight chest an hour or so ago.
It's good for me to examine these feelings & be honest with them.

Has anything changed?
I doubt it.

You haven't seen me, I'm hiding.

"...and then I'll tell you some more about ME!"

Hello there.
My name is Flash & this is my new blog. Welcome.

BLOG:
My old blog literally started out as a pen & paper diary. It was something I'd always wanted to do but, true to form, never gotten around to doing. So on New years day, 2004 I wrote the first lines. By the summer of that year it was in full swing. I really enjoyed writing it & wished I could share it as I thought it was good, humourous, interesting reading matter. This was impossible though due to the sensitive nature of some of it's contents. Then my dear old friend, Duke, suggested I write a blog. So I did.
And I bloody loved it. I found myself giddy at the freedom of expression & even more so as slowly I built up a small but devoted readership. I also deeply enjoyed reading the blogs of others.
As 3 years ebbed by my blog changed. As a fellow blogger once noted (and I still love that comment) I am a "natural born performer". So my blog ceased to really be a diary, you could say it turned from a blank page into a spotlit stage. And crikey do I love that spotlight.
So part of the reasoning behind this new blog is to go back to basics. To record the ins & outs, the ups & downs of my day to day life. I can't promise that I'll never again indulge in a bit of good old interactive action but essentially these pages are going to remain a diary of sorts.
Another reason for the change is that a lot has changed for me recently & following my enforced absence from blogland this seemed like an ideal time. I will be outlining some of those changes in due course.
One of those changes is my relationship with one of my old blog's central characters (which in turn has led to me taking the decision to scrap the old blog names. I know! I loved them too but they just had to go. They will be replaced by plain old normal names. Still not their owners actual monikers but still just bog standard names). Jill, as she will now be known, is no longer the girl of my dreams. This has been the case for some time now, I wrote a song called "Over you" last September while I was in the Czech Republic. She is still a very close friend & I dearly love her in that capacity but that's where it ends. I am very happy about this, as "Over you" observes "the love shared, I turned it into a cross to bear". I have freed myself of those self bound chains & it's great. Readers of my old blog will be interested to know that it was March 3rd before I'd noticed that March 1st had passed unnoticed. That, my friends, is progress.
However there is news on that front, stay tuned.

LOVE:
I bloody adore my very wonderful girlfriend. Lucy is everything to me & I wouldn't swap her for Kylie. It took me a while to reach that point; partly because I was still infatuated with Jill, partly because I started the relationship with the handbrake on so as to avoid the pitfalls I had previously experienced by rushing in to something & partly because I had been enjoying being a bit of a Casanova (albeit a slightly crap one) and wasn't keen to relinquish that thrillseeking side of me or the reputation that came with it. As Lucy happily accepts, I am a flirt & could easily flirt for England were it an Olympic event. I will continue to be a flirt but I know where the line is & I have no desire to ever cross that line again. I love Lucy & I am resolutely never going to hurt her in that way. And for the first time in a real world relationship, I know that she loves & understands me implicitly for who I am, warts and all. Not that I have any warts, mind.
Lucy has also had a pivotal effect on blogging matters. We have never yet had a cross word with each other in nearly two years but the closest we have come was after she read some of my old blog against my wishes. She was upset about the whole Jill thing & also saddened by the way I had portrayed her. Again this was my shameful way of keeping up my Flashputin reputation, I didn't want any female readers not to fall for me so like a member of a boyband instructed by his manager; I kinda kept her hushed up. We talked about it all & sorted out what we needed to. The saddest thing about it all is that as a result of what she's previously read Lucy no longer feels comfortable around Jill & doesn't join me when I go over to visit her & Jack. That troubles me but I have to accept it.
Lucy's mere physical presence has also had a very real impact on my blogging. The days where I would blog every day are long gone. I no longer have the time or the inclination for it. Sometimes I'd rather just hang with Lucy rather than sit here typing with my back to her. Before Lucy came along I would spend most evenings alone in my flat. Alone but seldom lonely because of blogland & some of the lovely people who inhabit it. To all of those people & you know who you all are, I say thank you because you were crucial to me in that time of my life. You were my rocks & I love you all so much. In truth, the primary reason why I haven't given up blogging altogether is because I can't bear the idea of my life without those people in it. The last 3 months have been painful in that respect & I've genuinely missed my dear, dear pixelated pals.

WORK:
I haven't been to work for the past month. There is a very, very good reason for this; I don't work there anymore.
I used to be a lab technician but now I am not.
The company, who I can safely name now as MetoKote, had basically cocked up. Their operations in Sweden & France (Yes, the plant in Lyon where I spent the winter of 2005/6) were abject failures & they lost those plants. This combined with a dramatic slump in the workload at my plant meant they had to take drastic action. In mid February rumours began circulating that there would be redundancies. Then right at the end of February, myself & the rest of my department were given letters warning us that our jobs were "at risk". Best of all though, the thing that I'd been wishing for a long old time actually came to pass; they would be interested to hear from anyone who would consider voluntary redundancy. I practically bit their corporate hands off! Then on March 6th, following several harrowing days of not knowing whether they would let someone with my experience, knowledge & skills go, I was called to a meeting half an hour before the end of my shift with my departmental bosses, the HR manager & the plant manager.
"Are you still interested in taking voluntary redundancy, Flash?"
"Very much so" said I.
And that was that. I was told that I would finish there & then.
Despite it being very much what I wanted, it still came as something of a shock. I asked if it would be ok for me to come in on the Friday of that week to say my goodbyes to everyone, to which they agreed.
So after 12 years in the place, I came in for one last time & went round all my friends & colleagues to say my very fond farewells to them all. It was emotional.
For some time I have had a love/hate relationship with my work. I loved the familiarity of it all, how the lab was as comfortable as a second home, how I'd know I'd be seeing my friends every day, how I basked in the glow of being a genuinely popular & well liked part of the furniture, how the company gave me the opportunities to travel to the States, Canada, France, Czech Republic & Belgium, how I'd get a nice little financial bonus every 3 months, how they allowed me to flourish (temporarily) in my role as Trainer, how I could (if I so desired) get away with doing very little & how I felt safe & secure there.
I hated the mundane nature of the work I had to carry out day after day, I hated getting up for a 6am start almost every bloody day of my life, I hated just being a number, an insignificant little cog in an enormous machine whose sole purpose was to make some wealthy Americans even more wealthy, I hated many of the decisions of the management who were seemingly hell bent on removing any traces of good morale in it's workforce, I hated how I was rotting away in the job, I hated how I could (if I so desired) get away with doing very little, I hated the way that arselickers would get ahead at the expense of others & I hated that I became a "voice of the people" character who would often have to tackle management over issues because nobody else could or would & my moral compass wouldn't let me ignore them (I actually became the trade union representative two weeks before I left. The shortest lived shop steward ever?) & I hated one or two people there who I will be blissfully happy never to see again.
I had a drink with some of my workfriends on the Saturday of that week, which was nice.
I'm actually going out with a load of them tonight, turns out my departure was just the beginning & several others have since followed me out of the door. Notably, Lucy left a week after I did because of her own issues with the place. And also my fellow lab rats Gary (who had a lofty opinion of himself sometimes) & Tom (who likes crisps with a passion). Sadly, not all the redundancies were voluntary & some people lost their jobs. My close friend Sally (A friend with breasts and all the rest...) was laid off last week, bless her.
So another reason for this new blog is to chart my journey into the unknown world of a new job.
What's that? I've got to find one first, you say?
Sorted already!
The Friday after my departure I had my first interview to attend. As is often the case here in Flash's life, things were not simple. I had my interview at 10am in a nearby town named like a kitchen appliance. Trouble was though, I had nothing appropriate to wear. I possessed no suitably formal clothing at all & hadn't had the means to buy any until my redundancy money came through. The money was to hit my account on the same day. So a plan was hatched. I would get up good & early, do all my necessary preening, go to the cashpoint, drive to Northampton in time to be outside Debanhams at 9 on the dot when they opened, purchase a suit, shirt, tie & shoes & be out of there with enough time to drive the 20 minute journey to the interview. A fine plan to be sure, but with absolutely no margin for error at all. There was no error though & with the help of a top bloke in Debanhams I walked out of the store looking resplendent in my new whistle. Lucy swooned!
The interview was quite an odd affair. I was one of 13 people who were being assessed together. I must point out that I was far & away the smartest looking, honestly one guy came in jeans & trainers! Anyway we all did this exercise with an egg, designed to see how we functioned as part of a team. Then I had to write out a fictional incident report which came pretty naturally to me. Finally I had the actual interview, which was delightfully informal, I had to answer ten questions which I felt I did ok with. The final question was "If we had you & another candidate who was equally right for the position, why should we choose you?"
To which I answered "Because, I'm ace, me!" Seriously.
I did follow it up by elaborating that I see myself as a very positive & jovial character who naturally gets along with almost everybody & that I'd be a good person to have around.
And that was that. Of course, everybody then was asking me how it went. I told them that I felt I'd done really well, perhaps as well as I could possibly do, that I had really had given it my best but I figured that there would probably be someone with more experience in that field who would get the job.
The following Saturday the postman delivered the letter, without even opening it I felt really positive as it seemed to contain too much to be a "thanks but no thanks" letter.
I opened it & it was a offer of the job! So I accepted it.
You are now reading the words of a Residential Childcare Worker. That's right folks, I have a job in a children's home. I am naturally delighted. In the short term I will have to tighten my belt as it's a fair drop in pay, but it's exactly the sort of field I wanted to get into & the prospects are good. I haven't actually started the job yet, but I shall be doing my induction course soon. I should have a start date by early next week.
Honestly, I'm thrilled to bits! I'm also pinching myself at how easy it as all been. I thought I'd be furiously job-hunting for weeks & weeks. I was also prepared to do some temping in one of Crapsville's many shitty warehouse jobs to support myself while trying to find the right job.
So I have spent the past four weeks as a man of leisure. I have treated myself to a few consumer goodies with my money (lovely new TV, DVD recorder, a new improved Flashmobile & a long sought after barbed wire toilet seat) & I've sorted out some of my debt problems.
I have also, for the first time in 37 years, decorated my home. This also meant the sad but justified decision to box up all my grillions of CDs in the interest of making space in my living room. And honestly, you wouldn't believe the hassle I had getting back online. Literally weeks of frustrated suffering! I'm back now though, eh?

MUSIC:
I am a musician (of sorts). I am definitely a singer & I consider myself to be a bloody good songwriter. Two years ago I "released" my debut album. It was called "Confessions of an Idiot" & I was very happy with it at the time. In retrospect, sonically it's a bit lacking in places & vocally it was not so hot at all. I have taken the decision to go back to it & remix &/or re-record some or all of it. My second album has led me to this choice. My second album, "Backlash" is still unfinished & in all honestly it could be a while yet before it sees the light of day. However I am deliriously happy with what I've completed so far. Musically it sounds much more accomplished that "Confessions..." & when I road tested some of it on Jack & Jill they were blown away with what they heard.
At this point I'm going to pretend for a moment that it's all real & I'm going to be suggesting to my record company that the all important first single will be "Sophie's Shoes", a song & recording that I'm outrageously proud of.
So what I'm saying is thus; "Backlash" will be released when it's ready & not before. I'm more than happy to delay it in the interests of making it as good as I possibly can. Then when it's out, my next project will be the refurbishment of "Confessions..."

And finally...(Deep sigh)
JACK & JILL:
It's been a week now.
Last Friday morning morning at 8.59 my phone rang precisely one minute before my alarm was due to rouse me from my slumber.
The display showed it was Jack.
"Hello mate" I said upon answering
"It's not Jack it's Jill"
"Oh, Hiya. What's up?"
And then with two short words the timebomb that I've been sitting on for four long, often painful, years went off...
"Jack knows"

We had quite the discussion about it but on my part it all boiled down to one single question; WHY?
To be honest I'm still not clear as to what happened. I gather they had some sort of row, something slipped out that couldn't be taken back & Jill proceeded to seek absolution from Jack by confessing to her sins.

Jack did phone me himself an hour or so later, not knowing that Jill had warned me.
It was a very short conversation.
"Jill has told me"
"Told you what?"
"About you & her. I thought you were my friend"
"So what do you wanna do about it?"
"I don't want to talk to you, to be honest, & I don't know if I ever will again"
"Well, I have to accept that. You know where I am if you change your mind"
And he hung up.
I haven't heard from either of them since.

To be honest, I haven't really processed it all yet. I really don't want to be but I find myself full of anger towards Jill. It was dead, it was buried, it had gone. Certainly from my (or indeed Jack's) point of view I can see no good can possibly come from this. Obviously things are different for Jill & I don't know what I would've done in her place.
I am very worried about what will happen next. Despite my inexcusable conduct in my betrayal of him, I hope he comes round & that we can fix it. I love him, he has been my closest friend for the best part of twenty years. I miss him already.
I am very sad about it all.
I'm also very alarmed at the fact that, even now, the whole truth isn't coming out. Too much of a tangled web to unravel, I suppose.
Still, if you live by the sword...

Anyway, Welcome to my new blog.
I hope you'll be around to see where life's twists & turns take me next.
If if carries on like the past, then it will seldom be dull.